Roller Coaster

The best words to describe my thoughts and feelings the last few weeks are "roller coaster." I could easily use the words paranoid, worried, anxious, excited and happy all at the same time, within a single day to describe them too!

When I was 33 weeks pregnant with Kieran, the amniotic fluid went low and the doctors monitored it weekly. At 36 weeks it went "too low" and he had to be delivered. Needless to say, we weren't completely prepared for his early arrival, but we're so thankful he was a healthy baby!

So, you can imagine what we were thinking when Chloe's fluid was low at 33 weeks also! We got into serious baby mode! Carseat ready. check. Bags partially packed. check. We got everything in order and were ready! And we've been ready for 4 weeks now, but we continue to wait.

In the past 4 weeks, the fluid has been on a roller coaster ride--up, then down, up, then down. We never know from week to week if we're having a baby or not! I know this is similiar to any pregnancy, babies have their own timeline, but ours is riding on the fluid level at this point. Every time I go in for a doctor's appointment, I never know whether I'm coming back home or being admitted!

I'll be honest when I say that I've been stressed and very paranoid during this last month! I'm happy that she's doing well in the womb and I know she needs to be there, but there are days I wish I had a window to my belly so I could make sure she's doing okay! Because of the low fluid, I have to monitor her kicks and movements numerous times a day by sitting still or laying down and paying close attention. (Yeah, try doing that with little ones running around!) I can easily drive myself, and probably my husband, crazy! I've lost sleep over this and I'm constantly worried about how she's doing! Did she move enough? Should we call the doctor? Is she just sleeping or is she in distress?

It has come down to a big trust issue. TRUST in my Lord! I've prayed numerous times for Chloe and when I'm wide awake in the middle of the night, I just have to pray and trust the Lord that He knows exactly what is going on and I'm so thankful that He can see her, even when I cannot! Pregnancy, for me, has always been a faith builder and even more so now. I'm thankful for all that the Lord is teaching me through this as I work at putting my worries aside and trust in the One who knows what I don't.

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day passed." Psalm 139: 13-16

Oh, how I love that passage and those words as we trust in the Lord during this process! We are nearing the end, and I just can't wait to meet this wonderful creation that the Lord has made! For now, we wait and we count the kicks and we put aside our fears, knowing that God has it all in His hands! We pray and we continue to ride the roller coaster until it's time to get off...